Let me tell you a story.
It was 2012. I was standing in the hallway of a donor’s office, heart pounding. I had just wrapped up a meeting that, in theory, should’ve been one of the biggest asks of my career. I had my pitch ready. I had my numbers, my stories, my budget breakdowns. I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do.
And it fell flat. The donor smiled politely. She thanked me. She said she’d think about it. And that was it. I walked out and thought, What just happened?
Here’s the truth: I was trying too hard. I was performing. I was going in with an agenda, trying to drive the outcome. And the donor could feel it. That’s the thing about people with wealth — they’ve developed a sixth sense for sniffing out pressure. They can tell when you’re coming in hot.
What I’ve learned since then — and what I teach today — is this: The very best fundraisers don’t try to control the outcome. They show up. They listen. They connect. And ironically, that’s when the money shows up, too.
Relationships Over Revenue
A lot of people in this sector think they’re being relational when they’re actually being transactional. They think, I’m asking about her dog, so this is a relationship. But what they’re really doing is trying to warm up the room before the pitch.
True relationships don’t hinge on your agenda. I know that’s hard to hear. Especially when you’ve got board members breathing down your neck, a campaign to close, or an boss who just doesn’t get development. But if you can reframe your mindset, you’ll actually become more effective — and less burned out.
One of my favorite fundraisers once told me, “I’m not trying to get anyone to do anything.” That blew my mind. She meant it. She wasn’t trying to manipulate or convince or steer. She was there to witness. To listen. To be present. And guess what? She raised millions.
The Paradox of Presence
There’s a paradox here. The less you push, the more people lean in. It’s human nature. Think about it in your personal life. Ever had someone try too hard to be your friend? You feel it. You recoil. But when someone just shows up, pays attention, and is authentically themselves — you’re drawn to them. You trust them.
It’s the same in fundraising. Stop trying to check boxes. Get out of your own way and just be with people. Let the relationship unfold naturally. Let the donor tell you what matters to them. You don’t need to steer the conversation — you need to hold space for it.
A Better Way Forward
I’m not saying you shouldn’t prepare. Of course, you should. Know your donors. Do your research. But when you show up, leave the script at the door.
Start by asking one powerful question: What matters most to you right now?
Then shut up. And listen.
Donors will tell you everything you need to know. And if they don’t, maybe this isn’t the moment. That’s okay too. The long game matters more than the quarterly goal. And remember: people give because they care. Not because you convinced them.
Let’s Rethink This Together
At Major Gifts Fundraiser, we’re here to help you lead with presence, not pressure. We’re building a new kind of fundraiser — one who’s confident, authentic, and deeply relational. If you’re tired of old-school tactics and ready to change your fundraising from the inside out, let’s talk.
Join our coaching community, sign up for our newsletter, or reach out for a discovery call. Let’s build a major gifts program you’re proud of — and one that actually works.